Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret