Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
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MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
oh you like architecture? name three walls
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My neck my back my allergy attack
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!