Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.