I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me if I was a dog
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
🍛