I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
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i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*