this is one of the funniest videos of all time
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Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The days of good grammer has went
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.