How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
what the
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*