6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
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Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
whenever i wake up before my alarm
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?