I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
getting corrected
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*