Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
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When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Customize Your Wedding.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
craving $300 all of a sudden