Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.