Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
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WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?