My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I needed a laugh this morning.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time