Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.