Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
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How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice