“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Tough love is true love
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.