Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
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I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
A friend helps you before you need it
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep