Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.