The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
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*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Cause of death: Zumba
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Accurate
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?