The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man