[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Meow
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.