I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.