Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
WHY?!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out