[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
You Might Also Like
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Hard not to take this personally
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?