What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”