HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT