*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭