Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…