It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
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People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.