“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
You Might Also Like
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
live long and prosper!
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.