Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Meme Monday.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.