I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
No selfies while hijacking a train.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah