Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…