Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.