[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy