Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My life in a nutshell
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili