Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
We’ve all been there
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh