I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
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me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.