That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Boom, boom, ching!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.