You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Why am I like this?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.