I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please