Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
In banana years, I am bread.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.