Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
You Might Also Like
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
black phone good
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]