Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
the three branches of government
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.