earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on