PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Tremendous stuff
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now