Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
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Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
monday
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight