*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Happy Thanksgiving
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.