imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.