I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.